BRAZILIANS (the wax, not the people…)

It has always puzzled me that a woman might want a Hitler moustache where her pubes should be. If I were going down for the first time on a woman, I’d be somewhat put off by meeting Adolf en route for the Mound of Venus.

Hang on a minute, what do I see…?

Is that a man running away from a girly subject? Come back, you need to read this!
Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

Yes, my merry men friends out there! This is for you too! It doesn’t matter whether you’re straight or gay, whether you’re pressurising your girlfriend to wax, or having it done yourself to make your todger look bigger. You NEED this because you’re part of the conspiracy against pubes. (It’s true… the Boyzilian / Brozilian is reputed to enhance the size of a man’s wedding tackle. Give me strength…)

Let’s be honest. A partner who’s put off by a stray pube or two isn’t worth bothering with, particularly if the partner is a bloke. You really have to wonder about a man who wants you shaved like a baby. Pervy? Yep, a tad. Watching too much porn? Very probably.

Listen, it’s complicated when all that puberty stuff kicks in. I remember well the panic when I looked down in the bath and saw – whaaaaat? – HAIR!!! I didn’t have one of the world’s more sympathetic mothers, but I rushed to her in panic and she gave me the usual brisk reassurance that this was perfectly normal. And it was. Still, it took me a while to adjust to my weirdly changing body.

It’s also normal to get used to it, and it’s normal for boys to get used to seeing it. They have hair too. It’s what bodies do and it’s for a reason. We’ll come to that.

But we aren’t perfect. Even supermodels hate things about their bodies. And one of the essential routes to contentment is the ability to accept ourselves as we are. I don’t mean we shouldn’t tidy ourselves up or that we should forgo makeup (horrible thought!) but there are certain things about being human that we might as well get used to, pubic hair being one of them. (Are you listening, chaps?)

Holidays!!!

OMFG, is that a stray pube? Should she become a nun NOW??? Photo by Igor Starkov on Unsplash

You’ve got a new bikini, you’re off to a sun-drenched isle, and you’re self conscious about those little wiry hairs that seem to have a will of their own. By all means, get a bikini wax to tidy up the edges.  If you need a Brazilian because your monokini is so small, I wonder why you bother wearing one at all.

Reasons to be cautious

  • Risk of infection. Are you 100% certain that your salon uses the best sanitary practice?
  • Not just infection… you have a higher risk of catching sexually transmitted diseases after grooming your basement area. Things like the herpes virus and genital warts can spread through little nicks, cuts and abrasions.
  • A viral infection known as MC (molluscum contagiosum) is on the rise, and it is increasingly associated with waxing. You get small, raised, quite hard little spots on the skin (papules). It’s not dangerous, but it can be horribly itchy.
  • Small scale studies have noted a correlation between a higher incidence of sexually transmitted diseases and “grooming” of pubic hair, with the numbers going up again for what they term “extreme grooming”. On the upside, you’re less likely to suffer an invasion of crabs, but it doesn’t seem like a fair exchange if you’re risking herpes, HPV, syphilis, molluscum, gonorrhoea, chlamydia and HIV.
  • Sometimes you get ingrown hairs after a waxing. A hair curls round and grows back into the follicle. Sometimes it doesn’t even bother popping its head outside, and just grows sideways into the skin. It can cause little red pimples which can easily become infected.  This beauty website has a whole page devoted to ingrown hairs caused by waxing – and one of the tips they recommend to minimise risk is to exfoliate the area regularly, and to make sure you do it two days before your waxing… Yowza! Sorry, but that sounds like another way to be very sore indeed! And no, waxing again is NOT a cure for ingrown hairs.
  • Is your beautician experienced enough? After all, it’s a sensitive area. It can get quite swollen down there if the practitioner is new or, worse still, careless. The internet is awash with bad waxing stories.
  • Just in case you think you can do it yourself inexpensively at home, there are plenty of horror stories about this too, like this girl who not only drew blood but stuck her butt cheek o.
  • Fancy scarring after waxing? I thought not. Again, just try googling and you will easily come across a fair number of awful stories.
  • Are you sure the wax used at the salon is of the best quality? Or that it wasn’t used for the client (or clientsssssss) before you? (Eww!)
  • Do the beauticians double dip their sticks while you’re squeezing your eyes shut in anticipation of that painful strrrrrrip! Ugh! Bad, dirty or cheap wax can make you very sore.
A leg, some hot wax and a lolly stick.  Well, you surely don’t think I was going to show you an actual front bottom being waxed? Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

The list goes on! (I just thought it was time for a picture!)

  • Did you get a Groupon voucher for your Brazilian? If so, ask yourself why…
  • Your therapist may have to touch your labia to pull it to get the correct degree of skin tautness. Hmmm. Dunno about you, but I feel quite uncomfortable about this. Only my lover and my doctor belong down there.
  • It can be sore for hours.
  • It can itch like crazy when it’s growing back, and when it does, it’s TORMENTING. Do you really want to be spotted furtively scratching your muff to relieve your itching?
  • During lovemaking, a lot of rubbing goes on. Hair acts as a cushion, reducing friction, making the action easier. This is especially useful in the first throes of lust when people are at it like rabbits. (Sorry. My family are reading this and I’m sure they think this is TMI…)
  • Finally, it means yet more bloody product going to landfill.  Sticks, cotton wool, lotions, soothers, wax etc.

Er, a corduroy thong? I don’t think this woman is going swimming, do you? Photo edited by me, original photo by Alexei Romano on Unsplash.

Confession time

You’ll be forgiven for thinking that I’ve had direct experience. I have, and weird it was too. The waxiste spoke no English – we were abroad – and all I wanted was a bit of a tidy up. An old fashioned bikini wax, in other words.

Oh my, she had those old pubey babies off on one side before you could say whoaaaa. So of course I had to have the other side off too. I didn’t want to walk lopsided, after all.

Would I do it again? You must be joking. I hated looking down there and seeing a Hitler tash. I’m a grown woman, for heaven’s sake. I’d almost have preferred the “Hollywood” – except I wouldn’t…

The “Hollywood”. The human equivalent of the Oklahoma dustbowl.

Why hate pubes???

Medics will tell you that pubes are there for a reason.  Or possibly even several reasons. Mainly, they act as a kind of natural shield against bacteria, allergens and other nasty microorganisms or pathogens that might affect your lady garden. There’s also a theory that the hairs trap the pheromones that help us attract and find a mate, but that’s getting way too sciency for me!

So if you’re thinking of moving over to lasering, ask yourself if you really want to be bushless. Laser isn’t without risk either – skin irritation and pigment changes are the most common side effects.

If you do go ahead with full deforestation and it goes wrong – your chuffbox gets all sore and covered in red bumps etc. – you can always book in for a vajacial. Yes, there is such a thing. It’s an actual facial for your vadge. This involves a full cleanse, a soothing mask treatment, and a bit of tidy with a pair of tweezers to remove those naughty ingrown hairs! Again, more product, more expense – jeepers, is it worth it?

Just in case you still need convincing, even Vogue magazine announced last year– The Bush is Back!

What you’ll save

Prices vary, but anything between US $60-120 (£50-£100) seems to be the norm for a waxing. Don’t forget – you gotta keep doing it, anything between every 2-6 weeks. Say that’s eight waxings a year adding up to an absolute minimum of £400 (US $480). Wowza. 

My pal Margaret Allen came back from Paris and informed me that Parisian women like to trim their pubic hair to the size and shape of the new (smaller) metro tickets. Should you decide to travel to Paris and desire that particular waxing, you must ask the beautician for “le ticket de metro”. Who knows, it could double as an Oyster card in London. It would be a good fitness aid as you’d always have to jump up to flash your groin at the card reader.

PS

The tickets are about to be replaced by electronic travel cards. Perhaps that’s why they’re being immortalised shave-wise?

And finally…

Here is a picture of Piper after a haircut so severe, she refers to it as the day she was given an all-over Brazilian. It was 13th August 2016, and she was scalped by someone who shall remain nameless but who had promised a bit of a trim. A BIT OF A TRIM???? This is a picture of a traumatised dog. I kid you not, I honestly believe she thought I wouldn’t recognise her, and she was really distressed for weeks. She has only allowed me to release this horrid photo because she feels it might act as a warning to young shavers everywhere.

Who am I? Am I a cat-chasing killing machine? Or am I just cold and confused and being denied biscuits? And why has Mother left the dishwasher open?
Hairy Piper in her Easter outfit. A much happier dog. I don’t know whose shoes those are.

End note…

I have noticed the weird paragraphing in the emails that get sent out to followers and after two hours chatting online to Adam Leone at WordPress, I hope to have solved the problem. Incidentally, he and I have started following each other’s blogs as there’s a definite feeling of shared interests, and you might be interested. https://carrottopsallotment.com/

Secondly, do please share my blog with friends and relations and even people you hate. Especially them.

14 thoughts on “BRAZILIANS (the wax, not the people…)

  1. Afraid I am a shaver – most days. But one gets very quick! I don’t use plastic razors but one of the companies that send blades to fit a razor they supply. I shave my armpits anyway so it’s there, in the bathroom already! I could not possibly have any kind of wax down there. My occasional bikini waxes were so traumatic (as were my armpits the one time I tried!), never again! Boyfriend’s preferences aside, I have done this for so many years, and he appeared on the scene relatively recently, I just don’t like the grey that appears! In the days of being blonde, collar and cuffs didn’t match, and now I’m Ms Roots in my brunette persona the same applies. I absolutely get the health issues you point out but I truly have become so used to this way of being I can’t imagine anything else. Probably when I become even more ancient and my hand shakes I my have to re-think – but until then…

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  2. What kind of woman wants to be intimate with the kind of man who expects a woman to look like a prepubescent girl?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I cannot for the life of me understand the women who complain about men wanting their lovers to resemble pre-pubescent girls as far as pubic hair is are concerned, yet for their own reasons are quite happy to shave legs and armpits.

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    • Good point! I suppose the leg hair thing is because hairy legs do look less sleek especially under stockings or tights… I’ve never really cared about that sort of thing though.

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  4. Whatever we do, shave/wax/any other hair removal, it should be because we like it, and for no-one else. Just the same as a (head) hair cut or the clothes we wear. Of course it’s lovely to have the latest frock or hairstyle noticed (let’s not be too optimistic, we can only hope for appreciated!) but nobody should do something to themselves solely for someone else.

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  5. Whatever we do, shave/wax/any other hair removal, it should be because we like it, and for no-one else. Just the same as a (head) hair cut or the clothes we wear. Of course it’s lovely to have the latest frock or hairstyle noticed (let’s not be too optimistic, we can only hope for appreciated!) but nobody should do something to themselves solely for someone else.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dillie you seem to concentrate on 2 elements: waxing and sexual issues. I recently had a back sack and crack for the first time but using a sugar treatment. Admittedly I had sexual thoughts (or fantasies) in mind, but I felt surprisingly comfortable down below, particularly in warmer climes.

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    • Fair enough, each to his own. I didn’t go into sugaring because I can’t see the harm in it. But disagree that I concentrate on two elements – maybe you missed the fact that I make a very important point that pubes are there to protect the area – “Mainly, they act as a kind of natural shield against bacteria, allergens and other nasty microorganisms or pathogens that might affect your lady garden”. I suppose I could have elaborated, but I think that sentence is clear enough. And there most definitely are risks in waxing which people should know before they decide to go ahead. It’s a much more common form of hair removal than sugaring, and if you want a particular shape – whether it’s the Brazilian or “le Metro” – waxing is much more accurate than sugaring – hence it’s the usual choice.

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  7. And I’m sure you’ve heard of the excellent children’s book, “Barbara’s Beaver needs a Barber”. Fun for the whole family as they watch while Dad tries to keep a straight face while reading it to the kids. Perfectly innocuous as long as you don’t have a smutty mind. I’m sure that Dillie would enjoy it immensely.

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    • I was unaware of this masterpiece of young fiction, so searched for it. It’s actually called, “Brenda’s Beaver Needs A Barber” by Bimisi Tayanita with illustrations by Sumguyen Bangladesh. Here is the opening paragraph taken from the Amazon page:

      ‘Sumguyen has always had a thick mane of hair, in the summer of 2016 he decided to grow a beard. Deep into month three he started to look like an armpit with eyeballs.

      It was a sultry August night in Old Town Scottsdale. As Bimisi and Sumguyen made their way from one bar to another, they took pause to to enjoy the rhythms of a homeless crooner who was soulfully picking his guitar. When Sumguyen threw a five into his tip jar the artist looked up, thanked him with a nod and said, “That is a beautiful beard. My friend Brenda has a beard just like that, but hers doesn’t talk.”

      A fair amount of beer sprayed from Bimisi’s nose…and just like that they had their subject matter for the final book of Season One.’

      Wacky…

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      • You are, of course, right.. it’s Brenda and not Barbara. My memory isn’t what it used to be. I put it down to advancing years and a mis-spent youth.

        Liked by 1 person

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